Happiness doesn’t have just one address

by Bobbie

I liken our moving from our house to buying my first car after college. My existing car was suddenly having issues and a lot of sales were happening right then. My mind was in turmoil. I knew I needed transportation, but there were so many choices and I didn’t know my future needs. Would I need four wheel drive for snow or tinted windows for extreme sun? Should I get a small sports car or an SUV for moving kids and home improvement items? With college graduation approaching, I just didn’t know what was best. So I did what any confused person would do. I went to numerous car dealerships and looked at EVERY kind of car they had until one stood alone as the best option for me at that time.

This scenario is very close to what occurred with our move. In March, Alex turned 21, completed a certificate in graphic design, and decided to move back to South Carolina to live with a group of friends. That left a lot of empty space in our already large house. We had two kids close to completing their time in community college and one preparing to graduate high school in May. Brian and I were struggling with how to help the remaining 3 kids learn independence now that COVID restrictions were lifted and new phases of their lives were starting. Then came the inspirational letter from a realtor stating she had many potential buyers looking in our neighborhood that we spoke about in a previous blog. Well this seemed like the perfect time to sell high for once. We put our house on the market and sold quickly. The buyers even allowed us to rent back until June so we could allow our youngest to graduate in a calm environment.

Now came the complicated part. What did we need for housing? What town should we live in? Do the kids need to live with us or close by? Can the kids take care of their own place? We had no idea what to tell the realtor. We looked at large houses, 2 small houses nearby, duplexes, condos, and everything in between. We just could not find the right solution. All of the houses were selling high and quickly. We were very stressed and confused. We took the kids to see some of the options, but could not get any strong opinions. They just wanted to continue living with us in our old house or to have us very close to visit often.

Finally, one day after driving through what felt like our hundredth neighborhood, I asked Brian to stop by some apartments near our old neighborhood that we had always liked the appearance of from afar. On the off chance, we asked if they had any 3 bedroom apartments coming available near our moving date. Surprisingly, they had one that would be available exactly on the date we needed. They also had a 2 bedroom apartment available at the same time. This seemed meant to be. We could have the 3 kids in one apartment and we could be in another apartment in the complex. In addition, there was everything the kids would need; a grocery store directly in front of the exit, several fast food and sit down restaurants, dentists, eye doctors, 2 banks, a dry cleaner, and even a movie theater. The kids may never be ready to drive so this was excellent! In addition, they were very familiar with the shopping center since we had lived less than a mile away and had visited often. Since the 3 bedroom apartments were very hard to come by, we signed up immediately and asked them to let us know if another came available in our moving time frame. A week later, the apartment complex contacted us about another 3 bedroom apartment that came available. This just seemed too good to be true! We would only be a few buildings away from the kids and would have some room for guests in our apartment.

Now we needed to convince the kids that this was the right choice for everyone. So how do you convince stubborn kids who hate change that moving into their own apartment would be wonderful? Let me tell you; it was not easy. It was down right exhausting at times. First step was to convince our kids, who did not always get along with each other, that they were going to live together, cooperate, and rely on each other. Every day I would take them in the car to a gas station to get a drink. I used this time where they were a captive audience to my advantage. I would casually bring up times that my older sister and I fought growing up. I would even get my sister on the phone while in the car and have her relive some of our interesting arguments. Needless to say, they were much worse than anything my kids ever had. Afterward, I would explain how as I grew up my sister became very important to me and how she helped me in different times in my life. I also reminded them about how I talk to my sister at least once a day and asked them if I would do this if I didn’t like her. Over the following month, the kids started to soften up and became more open to the thought of their sibling not being truly evil. Perhaps they could actually cohabitate without fighting.

The car was a great place for all my conversations. They really did not want to hear what I was saying, but also did not want to miss their daily caffeine fix. I always gave them the choice of coming with me or staying home and they knew the price was a conversation that they could not complain about. I used some days to ask how they were feeling about the move, what specific things stressed them about the move, and what things they would like in a place to live. I would then work with them to ease their anxieties. I drove them by the actual apartment where they would live and would show them how close we would be. Some days, I would park at the complex and just run through questions with them and explain all the different ways Brian and I would still be available to them. Dylan also spent weeks talking with his existing therapist about the move and good things about having his own apartment.

Around May, JJ came to us with some concerns. Throughout this experience, JJ was having difficulty deciding what he wanted to do next in his life. Finally, he decided that he was not yet ready to go to college or live independently with our kids. He opted to move back to South Carolina with his mom and baby sister, with whom he had spent very little time. Although we were proud of JJ for advocating for his needs, it created yet another dilemma for us. We had signed a lease for a 3 bedroom apartment for the kids and now only needed 2 bedrooms. As fate would have it, when I got on the apartment complex website, I saw a 2 bedroom apartment was coming available in the same building as ours and just 2 weeks after our move date. After some discussion (and a lot more paperwork), we were able to change the lease to the 2 bedroom much closer to us. This seemed to make the kids even more comfortable with the move.

As a funny aside, we noticed a new for sale sign in our next door neighbors yard a few days after changing our lease to the 2 bedroom for the kids. When we later spoke with them about their move, they were very excited because a 3 bedroom apartment suddenly had become available in an apartment complex they liked. As they were describing the location of the apartment, we realized that they were leasing the apartment we had just given up. Could that be kismet? Now we would have familiar faces in our new environment.

As the move date was approaching, Brian and I had lots of pieces to keep in motion. We had to find alternative storage for the kids’ furniture until their move date, sell a bunch of stuff so we could fit in the much smaller living space, keep the kids doing well in school, determine skills to teach the kids, pack for the move, and prepare for a graduation. All of this had to be done while trying to keep the kids’ anxiety low. This meant that many things were done in small increments or at the last minute. I thought we were on a pretty good schedule. I had moved Alex to South Carolina at the end of April. JJ was graduating at the end of May, so I wanted to hold off packing until after we celebrated with the family and my younger sister picked up JJ for his to move to South Carolina. Well, things just never go as planned. Brian caught COVID right before graduation and had to quarantine for two weeks. JJ’s mom also determined she could not make the trip for graduation or help move him back to South Carolina. Since we wanted JJ to feel special during his graduation and move, my older sister came in from Florida to help celebrate his big day. It also meant a quick change in plans to rent a van for me to make a 2-day round trip visit to South Carolina to get his things moved. This all happened within 2 weeks of our move date with nothing packed. Through all this, I was still confident that everything could be accomplished with no problem. Then my friend who was going to spend several days helping me pack got very sick. Ugh, on to the next plan. We contacted the buyers and got a few extra days to move out. Whew. 

Moving day came and went pretty smoothly. We planned to keep WIFI at both the house and apartment to entertain the kids. When Dylan became stressed, he went to our empty apartment to chill until the movers were coming. We also had a picnic on the living room floor to have some time together and talk about things that were stressing us. Surprisingly, only a few flare ups occurred.

Since the kids’ apartment was not ready for a few weeks, everyone initially moved into the 3 bedroom apartment. Knowing this would be pure chaos, the kids and I left Brian and took a road trip to Florida to stay with my oldest sister for the duration. The kids were still very hesitant about the move so this was a healthy distraction until their apartment became available. The kids were able to relax and enjoy the vacation without worries that had been plaguing them…until the drive back.

The return trip was a lot of arguing, complaining, and stating they would not move. Fun times! We arrived back in Illinois at noon on June 30th, just in time to have Dylan and Brian get the keys for the kids’ new apartment. That would be the first time any of us would see the apartment. Brian and I loved the space and kept discussing all of the positives for their new place and freedom. The kids did not seem that impressed, but we carried on. Our plan was to move the kids in on Saturday, but once again, that didn’t happen. Jolee tested positive for COVID and was quarantined in our guest bedroom for 10 days. Thank goodness for the extra bedroom!

Keep tuned in to learn how we finally got them started on their journey to independence.